This week while evaluating the teaching input of chaplains at 1RTU, it became obvious that what we teach to recruits on workplace relationships is exactly what we need to learn to improve our marriage and family relationships. In fact, if you can master these four skills every aspect of your life will improve! Where do you start?

1. Time management!We all have the same amount of time, but some people seem to be able to do more than others. The key is not really managing the time as managing ourselves, disciplining ourselves to know what is most important and do those things first, rather than just react to other people’s agendas. If your relationship is important, prove it by giving it time!
2. Communication! This is one of the most fundamental skills in life, we think that it comes naturally but it seems to me that if we do what comes naturally we will blow it every time because we just want to be understood! Rather we need to first listen to understand before seeking to be understood. That is how we build trust, and the more trust, the less words are needed.
3. Conflict resolution! There are four basic questions we need ask:

• What is the problem? Maybe the issue is just about poor communication, so start by getting accurate information.
• What are the alternatives? We might choose to ignore it, compromise or brain storm possible solutions, but the key is to be sure of the destination, what resolution looks like.
• How do we get there? Is there a win/win solution which all parties can live with? Each side needs to decide how to make it work.
• How will we know we have arrived? Seek some way to measure progress, allowing for adjustments along the way.

4. Take responsibility! The obvious block to all three of the above is emotion. At each stage we must take responsibility for our feelings and behaviour. Here are ten words that we all need to be able to say if we want to build lasting relationships:

• I was wrong
• I’m sorry
• Forgive me
• I love you.

That might seem a lot to ponder in one go, but they are each dependent on the other! You can improve your relationships if you give them some quality time, work on your communication skills, resolve the conflicts that you have avoided and start taking responsibility for the mess you find yourself in. The same applies to your relationship with God, he loves you and wants to help you make your marriage and family life great!

Chaplain Ian S Whitley

I have a confession to make – I did not give my mother anything for Mother’s day! My only excuse is that I did step in for my children and give my wife a beautiful potted chrysanthemum, but I feel just a little guilty. Yet the more I thought about it the more I realised that a bunch of flowers, breakfast in bed or a card with sickly sweet words is not really what most mothers want anyway.  What do they want? As a mere male I sometimes find that hard to work out, but here is a list of ten gifts which we can give all year round!

1. The gift of thankfulness, expressed in words and actions, rather than hoping they know we are grateful for all they have done for us.

2. The gift of friendship, recognising that there is a time to move beyond the adult/child relationship and become friends.

3. The gift of time, being prepared to listen, and pay attention to all those other little jobs that they may increasingly need help with.

4. The gift of honour, treating them with courtesy and respect, even when the ravages of age may diminish their ability to do things as well as they used to.

5. The gift of encouragement, looking for opportunities to go the extra mile to care for not just their physical needs but their mental and emotional needs as well.

6. The gift of forgiveness, recognising that we all make mistakes, and none of us are perfect parents, and choosing to forget and not mention those events again.

7. The gift of openness and honesty, being prepared to share what is really going on in your life and not just give the sugar coated version.

8. The gift of laughter, retelling old stories, and finding fun things to do that will include them in family activities, even when it might initially seem inconvenient.

9. The gift of vision, including them in your dreams for the future, showing them how their legacy will live on.

10. The gift of commitment, proving that you will stick by them through thick and thin, not just on one day but the whole year, even if you are geographically separated from them.

So, if you missed mother’s day here are ten things that you can still give, every day of the year. Come to think of it, all those gifts you can also give to your partner, so don’t just sit there, start planning now which of these gifts you need to give today!

Chaplain Ian S Whitley

This Wednesday, 22 February 2012, marks the beginning of Lent and so we will be holding a special Ash Wednesday service. This is a simple service with the reading of scripture, blessing and distribution of ashes. I don’t come from a tradition that celebrates either Ash Wednesday or Lent, so I may not be the best authority, but from my perspective it comes down to three basic things:

Repentance! Ash in many cultures is a symbol of sorrow, and in the Ash Wednesday service ashes are applied to the forehead suggesting that the wearer, after due self examination, is sorrowful for their sins and has confessed them to God. But that is just the beginning it also requires a

Response! This ritual must be followed by penitential actions, which usually apply to the whole period of Lent, that is, the time between Ash Wednesday and Easter. These actions are not specified but generally involve things like fasting, praying and almsgiving. Thus some people will choose to stop eating or drinking certain things for Lent (such as meat or alcohol). But there is also an expectation that this sacrifice is not to be advertised! Finally it is about

Reflection! Prayer is the focus here, not just asking God for things but a conversation in which also involves listening. Lent is all about taking extra time out to stop and review your life, to cut down on ambient noise, get away from the world (figuratively) in order to cut down the interference to hear God speak. Thus the sacrifice some people make for Lent is to give up watching TV!

It seems to me that Lent offers each of us the opportunity to rethink who we are and where we are going, regardless of your theological or denominational background. So if you want to start Lent on the right foot, why not find a local church and become part of their service.

Chaplain Ian S Whitley