Southland Christian Ministry Training
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By Ian Whitley, on September 16th, 2010%
One of the unexpected parts of my job as a chaplain is telling stories. People sometimes try to repeat my stories but find that they don’t “work”. The problem is that they have failed to grasp the basics of effective communication. The fact is, poor communication is the real cause of many of the frustrations we all face in daily life – even in the military! The challenge is for all of us to lift our game in how we communicate, especially those of us who are leaders, that includes NCO’s and officers. But, where do you start? If you have been asked to give a presentation here are ten things to consider:
- Know what you are trying to communicate! Do your homework, and in the early stage check up that you clearly understand what is required of you and the time limits you are working within. I then try to summarise what I am trying to say and what response I am expecting in just one sentence.
- Develop an outline! This must be clear so that your listeners can follow it and see the logical steps between points. The shorter the presentation the more preparation required, thus for a 5 minute talk I will usually write it out word for word, so I can be confident that I have covered all the material in the time allotted.
- Look at your audience! Make eye contact because that will help them to connect with you. The bigger the audience the harder it is, but it is essential to effective communication.
- Share yourself! Tell a story or a joke that says something about you and your interests. That will help your audience to feel at ease and help you to develop credibility as a real person.
- Identify with your audience! Show them that you like them, and that you want to be there and understand their situation. Be honest about the limitations of what you are presenting, and maybe the need for further work and the importance of their input.
- Illustrate the application! I find that the best way is to tell a story that will help people to see the impact of doing or not doing what I am trying to teach, but telling stories should probably be reserved for another ponderings!
- Get feedback! Involve your audience in providing at least some form of response to what you are presenting, proving that they are not asleep. If that feedback says that they are not with you, don’t just plough on go back and clarify.
- More is not always better! The pitfall of many new public speakers in to try to say it all on the first occasion, so beware of overloading people with too much information. Keep going back to the specifics of what you are trying to communicate at point.
- Be authentic and passionate! Speak from your heart and show that you really believe what you are sharing. If you are not excited about this information then how can you expect the receivers to do anything with it.
- Evaluate! Get some specific feedback from your supervisor or a trusted colleague so that you can improve your technique and fine tune your presentation so that you can become a more effective communicator.
I have to admit that being an effective communicator is hard work. I have suffered all too many presentations that are less than effective and threatened to put me to sleep! Don’t allow yourself to slip into that rut, apply these ten steps and become a more effective communicator.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on September 13th, 2010%
What does it take to grow a healthy relationship? Having been married to the same person for over 35 years, people sometimes ask me “What is the secret?” My typical answer is work! Ongoing maintenance! There are just a few things you need to work on to keep it healthy.
Hope – all relationships need some hope for the future; some shared dreams of where you want to go.
Effective Communication – which is a lot more than just talking. In fact, it is even more about listening and understanding, and being able to forgive.
Affection – you need to continue to be best friends who enjoy being together, sharing and showing how you really feel.
Laugh – there needs to be a lighter side to the relationship; an ability to have fun and play together.
Touch – involving both sexual and non sexual closeness; knowing when to be quiet and just give a hug and a kiss.
Healthy Balance in terms of time together and time apart. This stops you becoming too dependent on your partner for everything and not taking some responsibility for yourself.
Yield! Being able to willingly give in rather than demand your rights, sharing both the good and the bad together.
That is how to build a healthy relationship that will stand the test of time.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on September 7th, 2010%
This week in my reading I came across an anonymous epitaph that is written on a tomb at Westminster Abbey:
“When I was young and free and my imagination had no limits, I dreamed of changing the world.
As I grew older and wiser, I discovered the world would not change, so I shortened my sights somewhat and decided to change only my country. But it too seemed immovable.
As I grew into my twilight years, in one desperate attempt, I settled for changing only my family, those closest to me, but alas, they would have none of it.
And now as I lay on my deathbed, I suddenly realize if only I had changed myself first, then by my example I would have changed my family. From their inspiration and encouragement, I would have been able to better my country and who knows, I may have even changed the world.” (Quoted by Jim Clemmer in Growing the Distance, ISBN 0-96845675-0-4, p78).
The fact is the only person we can really change is ourselves! As Mahatma Gandhi, the great Indian nationalist and spiritual leader put it “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” We all want to change the people around us, our parents, our partners, our kids, our bosses or our workmates, but it just doesn’t work that way. I’m reminded of the story about the middle aged man who comes home to visit his elderly parents, and finally fesses up to the fact that his wife has left him, he is financially bankrupt and now has nowhere to live. They are horrified, and all he can say is “where did you go wrong?”
So, quit trying to blame somebody else for the mess you are in, and begin to take responsibility for both the good and the bad. You have the power to change yourself, to become a better husband, father, mother, son or daughter, and it all starts with a choice. Refuse to be the victim, take control of your life and start being and becoming the person you want to be. I am not saying that it will be easy, but I am saying that it will be worth it! If that seems impossible then I have one final offer, God has promised each of us a new start IF we are prepared to ask for it! If you want to talk about it, you know where to find me…
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on September 5th, 2010%
This week I attended a seminar at HMAS Penguin, and it was great to be reminded of the rich naval traditions of the senior service. Of course this means remembering that you do not sleep in a room, it is a cabin, the Officer’s Mess is really the Ward room and if you are looking for the toilets they will direct you to the heads! But as we move towards father’s day I  was reminded that sometimes we fathers are like submarines!
Submarines are great inventions, able to choose at what depth they want to travel, moving with stealth, untroubled by the storms above, so strong and watertight. Have you noticed that many men who are fathers also model that behaviour, they travel in secret, avoid storms, choose how deep they want to go, always show great strength and are rarely seen to leak tears. But they have a problem. To survive, submarines have to be very strong, but every sub has a limit to how deep they can go, because past that depth, even the heavy steel bulkheads will be crushed by the water pressure resulting in catastrophic failure.
Yet, if we compare submarines to fish, you will find that they can survive at great depths without that heavy steel armour, with skin and scales only millimetres thick. What makes the difference? They have the ability to equalise the pressure on the inside with the pressure on the outside.
 The message? All too many fathers try to insulate themselves from home and family pressures, rationalising that this is not part of their job description, so they go home, retreat into their shells, adopt stealth mode and if leaks appear increase the armour plating! The trouble with this approach is that the pressure continues to build till there is a catastrophic event with dire consequences.
The fact is Father’s day is not just a time to get, to receive things from our children, it is also a great opportunity for us to reflect on how well we are doing as fathers. Are you truly involved on the home front, actively dealing with the pressures and not just avoiding them? Are you setting a good example for your sons and daughters on how to deal with depression and frustrations in life? Don’t wait till it all collapses, take some time out to reassess how you are travelling. Maybe it is time to surface, go back to port and get some help. I wonder if they have chaplains on submarines? Either way, my job is to support you through that process, no matter which service you are part of.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on August 16th, 2010%
I spend a lot of my time talking to people about their relationships, but all too often by the time they come to talk to me things are already desperate! The fact is most people have never been taught some basic principles of how to build and repair relationships. In some respects it is a simple as ABC… OK it is a little more complex than that, and in my grab bag of tricks I probably have hundreds of suggestions I can make! But here are just 26 for you to think about:
Adaptable! Not everyone is like you – get used to it and learn to adapt to your partner’s view of normal.
Best friends! You need to learn to be friends before you become lovers.
Complements! Learn to say nice things to each other – stress the positive NOT the negative.
Develop! Keep growing, seeking to be a better person, a better lover, a more caring person.
Express your feelings! Share what is really going on for you – your partner is NOT a mind reader.
Fun! Make sure that you have got time to have fun together – don’t take yourself or each other too seriously.
Goals! Make sure that you are planning for the future, and that you both know what you are aiming for.
Honesty! Truth and trust is the very foundation of any relationship, so make sure that you are honest in all you say and do.
Integrity! Character is what counts.
Justice! Do what is right, be just in all your actions, remembering that there must also be room for mercy.
Kindness! Go out of your way to treat your partner as special, honor them any way you can.
Listen! The highest complement you can give anyone is your undivided attention, so don’t just pretend to listen – really listen.
Memories! Be always on the lookout to celebrate anniversaries, affirming your past history and get concrete symbols to help you to remember.
Needs! Be aware of your partner’s physical, mental and spiritual needs, and be prepared to share what your needs are as well.
Openness! This requires vulnerability, sharing the real you, taking off the mask and being real.
Positive! If you are naturally negative and pessimistic, change your attitude – you can do it and you will be much easier to live with.
Quietness! You do not have to fill all the spaces with words, be content to just be together, and enjoy each others presence.
Reflect! Don’t be so busy that you have no time to stop and reflect on what is really important and who you are becoming.
Sorry! Learn how to apologise, recognise what your partner expects from you to show that your “sorry” is real.
Time! If you are not spending enough time together it will degrade the relationship – show how much you value it by giving it a priority.
Unexpected! Get out of the rut, so something spontaneous to spice up your relationship.
Vision! Talk about our hopes and dreams, get concrete symbols of your visions so that you don’t lose sight of them.
Wisdom! This comes from not just knowing about our partner but really knowing them and applying those lessons to the relationship.
X-rays! Look below the surface of your relationship, go deeper and the effort will be rewarded with greater insight.
Yield! Be prepared to give up your rights, give sacrificially so that your partner knows that they are the most important person in the world.
Zest for life! Don’t accept mediocrity, give it all you have got, aim for the stars and refuse to accept second best.
Don’t just sit there, think about one of those and how you can apply it today. Now go and DO it!
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