Southland Christian Ministry Training
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By Ian, on February 13th, 2012%
Today is Valentines Day! What are you giving your Valentine? An expensive trinket? Flowers? A cuddly teddy bear? That is what the media is encouraging you to do but it seems that what our Valentines rally want is US! The trick is being and becoming someone your partner will be happy to receive. So here are six helpful hints on what to aim for:
- BE YOURSELF! We all want people to like us, especially Valentines we are trying to impress, so we often try to cover up the real “me”. You cannot build a relationship on lies so the first step is to accept yourself and be yourself.
- BE FAITHFUL! In a rapidly changing society we all need security. If you cannot trust your Valentine to be faithful, then one of the basic foundations of your relationship is missing. Can you trust yourself?
- BE A LEARNER! Our lives should be a continual learning experience, not just in terms of our vocation but also in terms of relationships. Valentine’s Day is an opportunity to learn a little more about your partner and what pleases them.
- BE REASONABLE! Friendship is never just plain sailing, it is a continual test of wisdom and patience. This Valentine’s Day may not turn out as you planned it, so take the time to be reasonable and ask yourself “Is this issue really worth arguing about?” Don’t let the urgent squeeze out the important. A reasonable approach seeks to get the whole picture, accept compromises and find new answers to old problems.
- BE READY TO LAUGH! Humour is one of the best lubricants to quieten friction within a relationship. Don’t take yourself so seriously, learn to laugh and you will find that it is not just good medicine, it is essential to relational harmony. It seems that, sometimes in the business of life, we have forgotten how to relax and play together as friends and valentines.
- BE THANKFUL! Don’t take your valentine for granted, be thankful for them, value them. When was the last time you expressed thanks to them for doing all those little things that you just expected? When was the last time you paused to thank God for the gift of each other?
Have a fantastic Valentine’s Day!
Chaplain Ian S Whitley
By Ian, on November 10th, 2011%
I talk about lots of different things to lots of different people. Yet sometimes as I review a week there are some common threads which force me to rethink my own views. I have spoken with several people this week who have been hurt and wounded, and continue to struggle with how to move forward. One of those themes this week has been forgiveness. What does it mean to apologise? How do you know if it is real? Should we offer forgiveness if there is no recognition of the pain caused or remorse over those actions? When should we withhold forgiveness?
As usual there are no easy answers to any of those questions! One quote which I sometimes use is “un-forgiveness is like acid, it eats away at the vessel containing it”. Yet there are also times when being too quick to forgive only makes it worse. All too often that hasty forgiveness – because it is the Christian thing to do – is really denial or avoidance of the bigger issues which need to be dealt with.
 The Padre’s role is not to help you escape, but to help you confront the reality of your pain and own your attitudes towards that other person. Those hurts and how you have reacted tell you something about yourself as well. Yes, there may be tears but as somebody once said “you have to let the tears wash the window of your soul”, only then will you be able to see clearly what the next step should be.
So, what do you do after you have bared your soul, told your story and shed some tears? It seems to me that the real problem is often that you know you have not forgiven yourself! You still feel guilty because you know you are guilty! This week I shared some practical down suggestions, but ultimately the only way forward is to ask God to forgive you, and accept that he can and will if you ask him.
“Forgiveness is the fragrance a violet sheds
On the heel that has crushed it”
(Mark Twain)
It is my hope and prayer that you might experience that forgiveness today. If you want to talk about it, leave a comment.
Chaplain Ian S Whitley
By Ian, on March 25th, 2011%
There are some weeks that I seem to be a magnet for angry, hurting, frustrated people. While filling in for the 1RTU chaplain I also did some presentations on communication, workplace relations and ethics, but somehow putting those concepts into practice with difficult people never gets any easier. Been there? While pondering this gulf between theory and practice I had to admit that maybe it would be easier if I had a quick checklist. So, the next time an angry, hurt, frustrated person walks into your office (or home) work through this list:
- Be Open! Don’t make a hasty judgement and reject them on the basis of how you feel. Choose NOT to get defensive, and be open to the fact that they may have good reason for reacting the way they are. They may have come to you because they trust you, so don’t blow it by acting busy.
- Listen actively! Let them vent their feelings, encourage them to keep talking by asking open ended questions. Resist the urge to interrupt and give easy quick fix solutions before they are really finished describing their problem. Give them your undivided attention, look at their body language as well as what they are saying or not saying.
- Check for accuracy! Give them some feedback as to what you have heard. This will require a calm confident assessment of what the issue is and how they feel about it. Seek to get any others facts or documentation that may have led up to this problem.
- Express empathy! Telling them they are stupid for feeling the way they do will not help. Seek to understand what it would be like to be in their shoes, and validate their feelings. You may never have been in their situation, but to recognise and verbalise their depth of feeling gives you the opportunity to begin helping.
- Determine direction! Find out what they think would be an ideal solution. This may be totally unrealistic, but it is the obvious place to start. They may see this as the only option, but your role is to help them find a range of possible solutions to be assessed. At this point you may also need to get other specialist input as to how some of these options will affect other parts of the organisation. Make a decision!
- Develop action plan! Clearly describe what you are going to do and what you expect them to do to put this plan into practice. Don’t be afraid to document this process as this may save a lot of heartache in the future for all concerned.
- Do it! No matter how good the plan may be if it is not implemented nothing changes! Follow through and make sure that you express your thanks to the person for raising it and helping to resolve it. This may also give you an opportunity to make sure that they have done what they agreed to do.
Finally, remember that sometimes the actual cause of their anger and frustration may be systemic, and patting yourself on the back for how well you handled the individual may not address the real issue. Step 8 therefore will require you to assess and address the wider context of the complaint.
Chaplain Ian S Whitley
By Ian, on February 11th, 2011%
For all those who, like me are not all that romantic, I have to remind you that it is nearly Valentine’s Day! Time is running out, but before you just believe the media hype that tells you it will cost a packet, I have a word of warning, it is not what you give but how it is interpreted that counts! Just because the local florist wants you to send flowers, or the jewelery store encourages you to buy a ring doesn’t mean that is the best way to express your love for that special person in your life.
One of the helpful books on my bookshelf is called “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. His basic thesis is that we all need to feel loved, and we often try to express that love to our partners but we are speaking a different language, and the message they receive is opposite to what was intended. Chapman recognises that early in a relationship we have the ability to be multi-lingual, and anything that our partner says or does proves their love, but the longer you stay in that relationship the more you revert to your primary love language. He lists five love languages:
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch.
Note that only one of these is linked to gifts which is the usual focus on Valentine’s Day! Your partner might prefer to just get a hand written letter which tells them how much you appreciate them. There are many spouses who would rather have you home and more involved in family life than to get a bunch of roses. Others would measure your love and commitment in terms of how prepared you are to help with the dishes or do the laundry as much more meaningful than the words of a mass produced card. Maybe all that your significant other wants is an unhurried kiss and cuddle which would be much better for them than a box of chocolates.
This Valentine’s Day don’t just do what somebody else tells you is the right thing to do, think about it, look back on your past history as a couple and make a decision on the basis of fact. If you don’t know what your partner’s primary love language is, find out, because it will make a big difference to your love life!
Chaplain Ian S Whitley
By Ian, on September 16th, 2010%
One of the unexpected parts of my job as a chaplain is telling stories. People sometimes try to repeat my stories but find that they don’t “work”. The problem is that they have failed to grasp the basics of effective communication. The fact is, poor communication is the real cause of many of the frustrations we all face in daily life – even in the military! The challenge is for all of us to lift our game in how we communicate, especially those of us who are leaders, that includes NCO’s and officers. But, where do you start? If you have been asked to give a presentation here are ten things to consider:
- Know what you are trying to communicate! Do your homework, and in the early stage check up that you clearly understand what is required of you and the time limits you are working within. I then try to summarise what I am trying to say and what response I am expecting in just one sentence.
- Develop an outline! This must be clear so that your listeners can follow it and see the logical steps between points. The shorter the presentation the more preparation required, thus for a 5 minute talk I will usually write it out word for word, so I can be confident that I have covered all the material in the time allotted.
- Look at your audience! Make eye contact because that will help them to connect with you. The bigger the audience the harder it is, but it is essential to effective communication.
- Share yourself! Tell a story or a joke that says something about you and your interests. That will help your audience to feel at ease and help you to develop credibility as a real person.
- Identify with your audience! Show them that you like them, and that you want to be there and understand their situation. Be honest about the limitations of what you are presenting, and maybe the need for further work and the importance of their input.
- Illustrate the application! I find that the best way is to tell a story that will help people to see the impact of doing or not doing what I am trying to teach, but telling stories should probably be reserved for another ponderings!
- Get feedback! Involve your audience in providing at least some form of response to what you are presenting, proving that they are not asleep. If that feedback says that they are not with you, don’t just plough on go back and clarify.
- More is not always better! The pitfall of many new public speakers in to try to say it all on the first occasion, so beware of overloading people with too much information. Keep going back to the specifics of what you are trying to communicate at point.
- Be authentic and passionate! Speak from your heart and show that you really believe what you are sharing. If you are not excited about this information then how can you expect the receivers to do anything with it.
- Evaluate! Get some specific feedback from your supervisor or a trusted colleague so that you can improve your technique and fine tune your presentation so that you can become a more effective communicator.
I have to admit that being an effective communicator is hard work. I have suffered all too many presentations that are less than effective and threatened to put me to sleep! Don’t allow yourself to slip into that rut, apply these ten steps and become a more effective communicator.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
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