Southland Christian Ministry Training
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By Ian Whitley, on July 30th, 2010%
Life is a journey, and each year there are marker posts which must be recognised and acknowledged. Today marks the second anniversary of my father’s death. In my role as chaplain death is part of the job, but like many other professionals, we sometimes give the impression that we are immune to the ravages of grief. We are not! We like everybody else have to  walk this rough track if we are to remain healthy and able to help others on their pilgrimage. There are no shortcuts, and like some of the bush walks I have been on recently it looks like there is no track, though every now and then there is a reflective disk to remind you that you are not lost and others have indeed been here before!
The journey of grief is not just travelled by those who lose someone in death, there are other significant losses that qualify you for the course, the loss of a relationship through divorce, the loss of a job, a deployment to a war zone or a range of other losses will leave you in a similar spot. Our culture readily accepts the fact that your life will be disrupted for a while, even a couple of months, but in our fast paced world, most people will not even notice one or two years down the track. So how do you cope when the feelings are still so real and painful? What can you do?
My suggestion is that grief is cyclical, and the way to approach it when it comes back is very similar to what you did in phase one:
- Accept it! You cannot turn back the clock, or return things to how they were, so instead of denying the reality and saying you are OK when you are not, accept what has happened and deal with it.
- Own your emotions! Emotions are neither good or bad they just “ARE”. Even years down the track there will still be times when you are overcome with sadness, anger, guilt, depression or hopelessness. If you refuse to express those emotions things will only get worse.
- Celebrate your loss! Find a concrete way to honour the one you have lost, take the time to cry though the photo album, visit the grave site or participate in a memorial service with other who share your loss. You may feel alone in your grief, but that is rarely the case.
- Talk about your future! Share with someone how far you have come, and what your hopes and dreams are for the road ahead. Accept the fact that though this may seem like a failure, it is just a natural part of the ongoing healing process.
Well, for what it is worth, that is where I am today. There are many other things that I could say, many of Bill’s one liners I could add, but two years down the track I still miss him and that is OK. If you are struggling with grief, don’t make believe that you are OK when you are not, get some help, so that you can move forward.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on May 24th, 2010%
This week has been a hard one for me, dominated by death. On Monday I was called upon to share with an elderly couple whose son had just passed away. On Friday I participated in leading the funeral for an older man. Out of all that emotional pain and frustration my heart cried out for answers – why? There are no easy answers, but standing in front of an open casket can give some clarity. It seems that being confronted by death should help us to re-evaluate life. My observation is that life will continue to be filled with painful experiences and each one has the capacity to either make us or break us.
Recently I read the story of the great artist Renoir who, in the last 10 years of his life, was crippled with arthritis. Despite great pain Renoir kept painting. One day one of his friends visited him, and saw him struggling with every stroke and asked, “why do you continue painting when you are in such agony?” Renoir replied
“The pain passes: the beauty remains”.
How true of life! The pain and agony of grief might seem unbearable, the hurts of life might seem insurmountable, but with God’s help we can grow through that and begin to see some of the beauty that was there all the time. Out of my own turmoil I was reminded of an old song we used to sing at church, which went like this:
Something beautiful, something good,
All my confusion he understood;
All I had to offer Him was brokenness and strife,
But He made something beautiful of my life.
Be encouraged, the best is yet to be!
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on May 24th, 2010%
On the first anniversary of the Bali bombing, I was heading back to Bali to do some grief counselling prior to participating in the Bali Memorial Service. But as I pondered that, I was challenged to consider “what is grief?” My trusty dictionary describes it as “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret”. One author called it “craziness for sane people” and it is a process which follows any significant loss, whether it is in the death of a person or other losses, such as loss of a partner through divorce.
Grief is real and it is accompanied by very intense emotions which sometimes surprise us because they are not logical, and shock us because they are not normal for us. There is shock, bouts of uncontrolled weeping, depression, fear, guilt, anger and sometimes apathy and emotional numbness. All these are normal and NEED to be expressed, for “emotions expressed become medicines that heal, emotions repressed become poisons that kill.” When we go through these experiences we need to give each other the freedom to cry, to be illogical and let it happen rather than trying to cover up what is really going on.
My job is not to shelter people from the pain of their loss or to help them to escape, but to simply be there, to listen, and somehow to help them draw upon the divine resources that God provided, so that they can creatively grow through the experience of grief. I cannot turn a bad event into a good one, but I can share the pain and walk with you through it. Time by itself does not heal a broken heart, it all depends what you do with it!
May you know the comfort of God and the peace of God this today, no matter what your grief.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
By Ian Whitley, on April 23rd, 2010%
This week on top of ANZAC Day, 325 ECSS has suffered another loss, with the tragic death of another valued member of the MEOMS team. The details are still sketchy but Peter Bell, one of the civilian APS members, died in a car accident near Wagga Wagga on Wednesday night. Peter had a long history with the RAAF, rising to the rank of SGT before getting out to come back to work in the same basic job as a civilian.
We have had a bad run here at Richmond over these last couple of months, with many people struggling to cope with the significant losses in their lives, not just the loss of valued workmates, but loss of relationships, loss of health and mobility, and loss of meaning and purpose in life as well. The fact is grief is complex, and will affect us in different ways, with each additional loss complicating existing grief.
So, in short, grief cannot be avoided, sidestepped or cured by medication, alcohol or drugs. It is a journey, and often a lonely one in which there are no shortcuts to relieve the pain and no maps showing how far you still have to go, because everyone’s route is unique. The obvious question is “What can we do to cope and help those around us to continue the journey?” My suggestion:
1. BE HONEST! Share your own feelings and reactions. If you are overcome with emotion and the tears begin to flow, let them. If you don’t know what to say, don’t say anything, you presence is usually more important than your words anyway.
2. BE OPEN! Grief has the capacity to isolate us from the people that are best equipped to help us. Choose to be open to help, and be prepared to rely on people offering support, even if it feels awkward. Be open to telling and hearing the stories.
3. BE PRACTICAL! Look for opportunities to provide a meal, offer child care, help with transport or any of those other practical things that make up ordinary life and get forgotten in the fog that often surrounds grief. Life continues to go and there are many things that need to be done.
4. BE EMPATHETIC! Simply be there and listen, and be prepared to share the pain of the journey. If you have offered to help be aware that it might be a long hard trip, because grief does not stop when the funeral is over. Be prepared to stay for the long haul.
What is the key? HOPE! Each of the above responses helps with the physical and emotional issues but true hope is only possible when we work through our own spiritual issues and grapple with the meaning of death. That too is a journey, and if you keep meeting dead ends maybe I can help you.
Chaplain Ian Whitley
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walk this rough track if we are to remain healthy and able to help others on their pilgrimage. There are no shortcuts, and like some of the bush walks I have been on recently it looks like there is no track, though every now and then there is a reflective disk to remind you that you are not lost and others have indeed been here before!
